Cloud Black and the Seven Sardars

Once upon a time there was an evil witch. Now the time of magic is past its prime. So in the current times, the witch is just a socialite, a former model and an actress. An actress, who does dope, drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney. In short a complete vamp. The original witch was married to a king. This socialite instead is married to a liquor baron who also owns an airline and an IPL team. Is he any less than a king, eh? What if the socialite does not have a magic mirror to tell her if she was the fairest in the land? She could easily check if she was the most popular. What else were news websites and tabloids for, to say nothing of social networks?

A heroine is a heroine by any other name. So it does not matter if we call her Elena, Kyra or Layla. What matters is she is the heroine. And since sponsors wish it so let us call her Kyra. And probably the original Snow White story was also written for a contest where heroine’s name kept changing. So the clever writer must have given her a generic name 'Snow White' so that there won’t be too many changes in case the heroine’s name was to suddenly change. But nowadays a name such as Snow White would be considered to reek of racism and proclaiming the superiority of white skin. So let us call her Cloud Black instead. And obviously a girl called Cloud Black has to be dark, right?

Now this socialite one day discovers that this Cloud Black who happens to be her step daughter as well by an interesting coincidence that usually happens only in stories, has suddenly become more popular than her. This could have been due to any of the many reasons. A lithe figure, generosity of nature, sporting accomplishments and academic prowess to name a few! But it does not matter to the story which of these it was. The bottom line was she was more popular and her socialite step mom was goddamn badly pissed. So she called up the D-company guys and asked them to finish her off. These guys take her and throw her into the sea. Why only drowning and why not some other means of death one may ask. Why not drowning I ask back. After all so many cool folks died of drowning and one of the most popular movies was about folks who died of drowning.

As luck would have it she gets washed ashore on an exotic beach complete with a year’s supply of Lakme sun screen. And who would be on the beach at that moment but seven sardars: seven total pagal mundas on the roll. That’s the exotic part. It will be cool to say there were seven of them because there are seven notes in music or seven days in a week. But honestly, seven is just a random number just as likely to occur as six or eight. If we start explaining all this, this would be a novel and not a blog post. Coming back to the point, these dudes are rocking the beach when the sea suddenly throws up this hot babe. They just can’t stop their eyes popping and tongue lolling involuntarily. So they all hustle each other to give her a cardiopulmonary resuscitation. It is only in England, we have such a complicated name for this thing. In France, it is called just a kiss. One more example of Victorian hypocrisy!

Well, in the original story, Snow White cooks for them, washes for them, scrubs for them and does all kind of bum work in return for a few morsels of food and the so called protection. But let us be realistic. This is the twenty first century. There ain’t no such things as hot chicks working as maid servants for free. She does sleep over at their place. But they have to do their own grub work and run their beach side dhaba in the night. In the day all eight of them rock the beach in the hot sun. The melanin in her naturally dark complexion protects her while the Sardars have turbans and beards to protect them. But she still uses Lakme sun screen because that is the purpose of life, the universe and everything in this story, isn’t it? For without Lakme, would this story have ever been written?

Now it will be nice to write how all the eight of them live it up in the hot sun. But then what is the point? As I mentioned earlier, this is part of a competition and so many others have already written how Kyra rocks the scene on the beach. So if you are interested in reading about all that, click this link to check out the posts of the other contestants. And when you are about it you may as well click here for the sponsor’s link as well. After all I am writing all this for their sake only.

All good things come to an end. And as luck would have it, the paparazzi are all over again and her step mom learns of her survival. She makes one last ditch attempt to bounce her off. She comes in guise of a sauve face cream saleswoman and palms of poisoned face cream to her. Cloud Black makes a rare exception and uses this other cream instead of the usual Lakme cream, gets poisoned and drops dead. The Sardars are unable to revive her. Now is the time for an ole shole hulk with six pack abs to step in complete with a cool Thunderbird or Karizma bike. He comes over and gently applies Lakme cream on her face to magically revive her. Once again Lakme saves the day and all of them live happily ever after. And if Lakme give me a prize for this entry, I will also live happily ever after.

Picture Credit : Snow White